Let this serve as a Pre-Valentine’s Day PSA for all you dude’s out there. Rather, you ‘Bro’s’ because you are clearly the only people left on the plant that are delusional enough to think the way you do. (GUYS- I have been waiting a HOT MINUTE to have a post where I would write about people being delusional. This is an exciting time right now).
To be honest- I don’t even know where to start. I’m all full of chuckles, and completely baffled by this whole situation. Sometimes, life hands you the best material.
How about we picture this. Picture your typical Bro. 6’1 maybe, works out, works at a GNC (maybe takes more than his fair share of “supplements”), drives a fancy car that has more balls than he does. You know the type- don’t pretend you don’t.
Well, long, long ago- in a land far away, a family member of mine may or may not have briefly dated this type of Bro (and by “dated” I mean talked to casually, had a couple dates with- the whole thing probably lasted a month). Well, this whole deal only lasted the space of month because this ‘Bro’ who we will call “Justin” to protect…well, I don’t know who I’m honestly trying to protect- but anyways. “Justin” invited my sister over for a little get together with him and a bunch of his friends. Well, apparently he forgot to mention to his friends that the girl he was trying to date on the side had no clue he had a long-term girlfriend. So, as we’re all standing in the kitchen having the awkward small talk type of thing that happens at parties, someone let the cat out of the bag- and needless to say, my family member decided that was enough of that. And, a big thank you to “Justin’s” friend who has a flappy trap- it really saved everyone a lot of time.
Well- let’s pretend we have a fancy little FF button on life and we move ourselves about 6 years into the future. Said family member (who if you haven’t gotten it yet guys- it’s my sister, but you’ll never know which one, I’ll never spill!). Anyways said family member sister is now happily married with some children, some three children (if you know me in real life, and haven’t figured out which sister it is- PROCESS OF ELIMINATION is a fabulous tool in life).
Anyways, I’m out one night last summer at my favorite local watering hole (BANDITO’S FOREVER) with one of my girlfriends. We’re bopping around the patio and are lucky enough to find two seats next to each other at the bar- so we grab them sit down and start BS-ing. WELL, I very quickly notice that the guy next to us on the right has NO SHOES ON. In a public place, I mean for Pete’s sake (who is Pete anyways?! And why do we always use him and his ‘sake’? I don’t even get it…) WE ARE IN A BAR- put some shoes on, you’re gunna get AIDS or something. Anyways, weird “Shoeless Joe” starts talking to my friend while I’m ordering another round of fireball shots distracted. Well we take our round of shots and are just minding our own business when the dude on the left of us (on my side, my friend got stuck with “shoeless Joe” on her side) pokes me and says ‘Hey, I think I know you’. Now, let me start by saying this- I do not recognize this person at.all. And I’m kind of taken aback at how he could have gotten a good enough look at me to conclude he knows me, as my back was mostly turned on him (facing my friend) and his facing his friends. So immediately I’m thinking this dude is just trying to hit on me. So me, being married, trying to just have a girl’s night with my friend, and completely disinterested in trying to put this guy down nicely- turned and said (very flatly, pretty bitchy); “No, I don’t think so- I don’t recognize you” and turn back to my friend and go to work on my drink.
Welp- that wasn’t enough- he pokes me again and says; “No, really, I do, I know you” (I must have confirmed his suspicions with my bratty response). He then proceeds to start listing off facts about my family. At this point I am intrigued, totally creeped out, and overall confused (he got me like a Venus Fly trap!). Well wouldn’t ya know it- its “Justin” who has shaved lost his hair (and probably stopped working at GNC and taking all those supplements- because he seems to have lost his muscles too). Well anyways, “Justin” is now married to his girlfriend who he loved so much from back in the day and now has a few kids. We play the awkward “haven’t seen you in six years, didn’t even really know you that well back then” catch up game and part ways. Because while I’m tied up in my conversation with creeper on my left who happens to remember random details about my family, and what my face looks like after 6 years (PS- I met him twice for about a total of 25 minutes altogether). My girlfriend is sucked into conversation with “Shoeless Joe” on her right—TALK ABOUT A CREEPER SANDWICH! No wonder those seats were open. “Shoeless Joe” offers us a ride home-which I turn down as I don’t let people who are creepy, who don’t wear shoes, I don’t know drive me home. So, we do what most women in weird situations do and go to the bathroom, run to exit and give the bouncers all the singles we have to call us a cab and hide around the corner so “Shoeless Joe” (who we are pretty sure got up at this point to come look for us) can’t find us until our cab comes. Ahhh, that was a fun night.
Fast forward to about a month ago- I’m at my local gym, listening to one of my best friends talk me through the intricacies of her latest relationship fiascos getting my sweat on. We forgot water so we walk up to the juice bar to grab one. A guy in line next to us (clearly, bro’s also don’t get how lines work) says; “Hey, I think I know you…” I look up and am like: ‘Huh? Why do I keep getting this lately?!’ (Those are my thoughts, in my head. I think I said something out loud like “What did I do this time” or “Depends on who’s asking” or something annoyingly overused like that) Well, I am going to bet you can guess who it was. Me and our friend “Justin” have our perfunctory ‘Long time no see, how are your kids, how’s your husband’ talk. It last about 3 minutes and my friend and I go back to doin’ our thang at the gym.
Today in a work meeting I get a text from my family member sister;
And then this conversation ensues:
So, clearly we need to travel wayyyy back to that kitchen and profusely thank Mr. Flappy Trap for saving my sister from “Justin’s” insanity. Because apparently this Bro thinks that when I bump into him a few times and don’t completely ignore his existence- I am “flirting”- you know, as I tell him about my husband, and ask about his wife and kids. I just can’t help myself…what can I say…?
SO- PSA of the day is this-
I don’t care who you are (unless you’re my husband- then this is totally flirting-because anything is flirting with you baby. 😉 Hahaha)- If I smile, and say hello, maybe ask about your wife & kids- THIS IS NOT ME FLIRTING. This is me being nice, and not ignoring you when you say- “Hey I think I know you”. Also, as a side note- let us remember the part of the story where I tried to ignore him at the bar until he started reciting facts about my life. Creeper.
I don’t know what your issues are Mister Bro- whether it be ego/narcissism/insecurity or some cocktail of all of that- but please, for the sake of any other polite women out there and Pete (let’s not forget him) GO GET A SHRINK. Work through your social issues-It will really help.
Also- just to show you how predictable the whole situation is:
*SERIOUSLY, Auto-correct? A mini can? You think you’re so intuitive, but you can’t even catch that one?! You’re not as smart as you think you are. Also, before you all start correcting my spelling of “Odyssey” I know. I spelled it wrong. I’m not Greek/don’t own a suburban family hauler with stick figure people on the back (see more on this; here– 4th paragraph in). I struggle spelling words sometimes- whatever.
Alright ladies, please tell me I am not the only one who this has happened to?
I am dying to hear your stories! Spill the beans!